Well I think I'm going to start posting in this thing again... Not that anyone will check it or read it, but for my own satisfaction that I release what has been on my mind constantly for months, but only renewed recently for its value in my heart.

Lacrosse is great, lots of fun, just wish we could win a game.
Finals are this week at Western, which means I am stressed. I've already completed my Deutsch Examen, now I have my Calculus final tomorrow afternoon. Ick.

And so with the coming of summer to the college life, so does the ever pressing date of those you don't want to say good-bye to, leaving back to their home towns.

     Though, there is only one person I will truly be missing this summer. And it's not like I could drive out to see him either... or that he's even interested. He'll be traveling the U.S. and in Canada for drumming. I hope to watch him perform when he makes stops in Michigan. I somewhat hope he never reads this, just because I'm sure it would make things even weirder than I've already made them. Since I doubt it would "spark" something in his heart for me that isn't already there.

     I've had a lot of feelings for a lot of guys, for many reasons. I've loved some, but until now, never realized that it was merely a fixation or attachment kind of love. Doesn't mean that I didn't love them, but not the kind that leaves a real feeling in your heart. And so now, for many months, I've been battling with the only true one I've ever felt. So to think that I may not experience another day like Sunday, one of the best days of my life, makes me feel empty inside.

What is friendship anymore? We're all just coexisting people, or are we?

     I've met people in my life who promised to never let me down. They were suppose to be my closest of friends. A shoulder when I needed to cry. But where are they now? I held up my end of the deal, but they bailed on me.

     You can explain something until your face turns blue, but they still refuse to let themselves accept or understand it. It's not that hard to come to terms with, it's just selfishness not to.
     Don't belittle someone elses strife just because it doesn't compare to yours. You can handle yours? Good for you. But, I can see what you can't. You're not as good at not letting it get to you as you think.

     As the years have come and gone, I've come to the realization that people lie, deceive, and are selfish.

     Look at yourself in the mirror, you don't see your own reflection. You're 2 faced and it shows. Do you realize that as you strut through those seemingly empty halls talking poorly about the people who make you number 1, are right there behind you listening to every word? All through life you've done what you pleased and never thought to turn around and see who you've hurt in the past.
     How can you feel so guilt free talking to me as though I'm the only thing in your life? Your negligence proves your ignorance. Do you really think I know nothing? I've heard what you've said about me. The same way you never stick up for me to your other "friends" who talk just as much smack about you when you're not listening. You just agree along with them. "Yeah she's such a slut. She's so bitchy, I can't stand her." You forget that I know more about you than you think... You just got lucky that of all the people to know what you would write in a private journal, you got me. Unlike you, I don't share your life to the world.

     It never stops. What about the ones who made me number 1 and I meant the world to them? The very same ones who dump their problems on me expecting advice on what to do. But why ask? You do what you want to anyways and go looking else where for advice until you get someone to tell you what you want to hear.
     You've taken advantage of my friendship and neglect to acknowledge me as being someone special until you have no one left. But here's the sad ending to that. I won't be there to hold your hand next time. Not anymore.